This week I feel like a failure. In most measurable ways, my business is only limping along. My house is a mess. I stay at the very edges of rallies or marches if I go at all. Some days I’m too exhausted to have conversations with the people I love. I want to sit in a bathtub with a book and forget the world.
But I won’t. I can’t. Instead I am rethinking the definition of success, the definition of failure and everything they imply.
It started with Covid19 and the sacrifices we’ve all had to make. I closed my acupuncture practice for two months in accordance with “stay at home” ordinances for Washington state. I had to move to a new, more expensive location to make space for social distancing. I bought hand sanitizer by the gallon, wipes, sprays, sanitary polyester sheets, table paper, and an air purifier. Now I see fewer patients in a week to allow for time between departures and arrivals, 15 minutes with the windows open to air out the space and spray everything down. The cleaning is exhausting, not to mention holding space for all the uncertainty, transition, and grief.
I have never bothered much with traditional definitions of success for my life, prioritizing community connection over individual achievement and rich life experience over financial riches. And yet the bills still have to get paid, and a lack of money for basic needs and “what-ifs” causes ongoing stress. We all must calibrate our investments and achievements to determine what in our lives feels fulfilling or “successful” and what doesn’t. We must be able to set goals and reach for them.
As a small business owner certain models of success have felt necessary to measure profits and losses and determine how to run a “successful” business. One could easily get sucked into a model of weighing successes and failures by numbers on a page. But these models have never been fair when you consider that our country has not allowed equal access to opportunity. Nor can Capitalism measure our quality of life – there’s no value given to a perfect sunset or a deep kiss or time spent in the presence of kindness. Capitalism only knows the value of profit.
As I counsel patients during their acupuncture sessions, I hear myself saying the same thing a lot. “No, no, no, we are in Covid times, you CANNOT hold yourself to the same standards as before.” In Covid times getting out of bed in the morning can be considered productive. Getting through a stack of dishes might be the crowning achievement of the day. Remembering to eat. Going to work and coming home in one piece. Allowing yourself to feel immense grief, to cry, to rage, THAT might be your success.
We have to make different decisions than we did before. Moral fatigue is real. We do not have the same therapies and distractions to nurse us through a hard week. We might not get the scientifically proven medicine of daily hugs from the people we love. We don’t get to feel the vibrational healing of live music or spend an afternoon browsing books, surrounded by the sweet, dusty smell of a used bookstore. We’ve all had to give up so much of what we love and find a way to survive through the fear and uncertainty. We are more aware of our priorities. There are things we miss desperately from our lives and other things we hardly notice are gone.
“If you dare to struggle, you dare to win.”
- Fred Hampton
When police officers in Minneapolis brutally killed George Floyd over a counterfeit twenty-dollar bill on May 25th, all the pain and rage and fear that has been riding close to the surface, that has always been there, erupted. People are tired of living in racist America. People of Color are tired, but white people are tired, too. Because a racist system- a system dependent on keeping people down- is a betrayal to our humanity. ALL our humanity.
To put it bluntly, American capitalism currently functions as a system where for white people to succeed, People of Color must fail.
As Ijeoma Oluo says in her essential book So You Want To Talk About Race, “Racism in America exists to exclude people of color from opportunity and progress so that there is more profit for others deemed superior. This profit itself is the greater promise for nonracialized people- you will get more because they exist to get less.”
An in-depth study published in 2018 revealed that there is a connection between income and happiness. Making less than $60,000 a year impacts the emotional wellbeing of the individual on a day-to-day basis. But making more than $95,000 a year also had a negative impact on overall satisfaction for many. More is not always better.
To paraphrase, this system was set up for some people to fail, so others could succeed MORE. But we can ALL succeed, if we are willing to change the system. If we focus only on individual success, reaching higher and higher beyond what we need, we miss the collective nature of being human. We actually suffer from taking beyond what we need. And watching other people fail injures our humanity. It is a betrayal of our good hearts.
We say “Black Lives Matter” because the laws and practices of this country have told us that they do not matter. We say “Black Lives Matter” because everyone deserves access to a healthy, satisfying life. We say it because Black lives have been sacrificed to better others’ lives. The foundation of this country is built on the labor of Black bodies and until we acknowledge that wound and the generations of trauma since slavery- and begin to repair- there will never be equal access.
Images from the garden at the former Capitol Hill Occupied Protest in Cal Anderson park. The garden continues to thrive and offer hope.
There’s a reason the acronym BIPOC has been used so much lately: Black and Indigenous folks have suffered immensely for centuries in the United States. This country is founded on the genocide of the First Nation people. It’s just a fact. Until acknowledgment and reparations are made to the existing tribes and descendants, there will be unrest. No one can go back in time and fix this. No one is asking us to. We must move forward by owning our history. By looking it in the face and saying “never again.”
BLM in flowers
I come back to my own personal definition of success, to the awareness that a lot of my visible successes have been made possible by white privilege through the generations of my family tree. Even my poor, immigrant ancestors fleeing pogroms in the Ukraine had white privilege when they got to this country. Allowing myself to fall into a capitalist view of “success” and “failure,” to ignore the context in which my success exists, is to turn my back on my work as an antiracist white person.
The questions I’m asking myself are these: If I genuinely believe in ending racism and white supremacy in America, how can I change to include antiracist work in my idea of success? In my business model? In where and how I spend my money? What am I willing to give up or share so that others can have a seat at the table?
This is a pivotal moment in time. Living through a pandemic is already rewriting our imaginations. There is no going back to “normal,” and that is probably a good thing. We are adaptable creatures and we are evolving to meet the moment. Our innovative imaginations are piqued and poised. This moment feels ripe, should we choose to accept the invitation, to transform into a more equitable society. What better time to dismantle systemic racism in America?
I made some major changes to my life when Trump was elected. I vowed to live more intentionally, to prioritize the voices and struggles of People of Color, to spend money more intentionally, to be kinder to strangers and to celebrate the joys found in the arts and the natural world. Now I want to take that to the next level.
Here are some simple things I’m doing:
Following POC-led organizations on social media, showing up to their events, taking advantage of their educational opportunities, donating money to them, and promoting their messages.
Supporting Black-owned/POC-owned restaurants, shops and businesses when I need/want to buy something (this is especially important during Covid times when most businesses are struggling).
Learning news and information from Black media.
Educating myself on local issues that impact communities of color, signing petitions, showing up at virtual city council meetings, and holding local politicians and public institutions accountable.
Donating money and passing on information to support BLM protesters.
Donating my skills and labor when and where I can.
With no end in sight, this is a journey we are all on together and there are a myriad of pathways to move forward. And we must move forward. Maybe it starts with asking challenging self-directed questions, or having difficult conversations with friends and family. These are polarizing times, and ideologies seem more firmly entrenched than ever. Still, calling out casual racism is important work that helps end the silence that allows biases to persist. Or as I often see it referred to these days, “calling in,” welcoming people to a more inclusive way of thinking, speaking and acting.
Some days the revolution feels exhausting, so I bury myself in fiction, in elegant strings of words, the bliss of a book. But since Trump was elected, the books I choose are written by People of Color. So even as I take a break, I am reading stories and building my understanding of the variety of our lived experiences as humans. I buy these books from independent bookstores, mostly Black-owned, or get them from the library to support their circulation.
For this movement to have a lasting impact we have to make it sustainable. We have to take care of ourselves and each other. We have to remember that joy is a tool of the revolution. That kindness has a ripple effect.
If you are a white person who believes in change but you don’t feel comfortable putting yourself on the front line or even leaving the house, there are still great opportunities to be effective and involved. You can donate money to individuals, businesses and organizations run by People of Color. Or read books written by People of Color. Educate yourself. Learn the true history of this country. Start to learn your own biases and consider ways you could change your choices to be more inclusive, even if they make you uncomfortable at first. There are SO many incredible resources out there, many of them free.
If just getting through the day is your success right now, don’t worry. There’s time.
Here are a WHOLE BUNCH of resources. Don’t get overwhelmed, just take it bit by bit.
Why we have to say “Black Lives Matter”:
The Case for Reparations
To help people of color during Covid19:
Covid19 Mututal Aid
Covid19 Mutual Aid Volunteering
Survival Fund for the People
Minority-owned businesses of Seattle: https://intentionalist.com/
Black-Owned Businesses in Western Washington: WW Black-Owned Business List
Black-owned bookstores:
Independent Black-Owned Bookstores
Black-Owned Bookstores to Support Now and Always
Books:
So You Want To Talk About Race by Ijeoma Oluo
Me and White Supremacy by Layla F. Saad
The New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander
White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo
Men We Reaped by Jessmyn Ward
Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates
Sway, Unraveling Unconscious Bias by Pragya Agarwal
Stamped from the Beginning by Ibram X. Kindi
Survival Math: Notes on an All-American Family by Mitchell S. Jackson
Emergent Strategy by adrienne maree brown
Assata: An Autobiography by Assata Shakur
EVERYTHING James Baldwin ever wrote
And SO many more
Podcasts:
Bailout Funds:
National Bailout
Understanding what “Defund the Police” means:
https://www.thecut.com/2020/06/what-does-defund-the-police-mean-the-phrase-explained.html
https://www.aclu.org/news/criminal-law-reform/defunding-the-police-will-actually-make-us-safer/
https://www.sierraclub.org/washington/blog/2020/06/why-we-support-defundspd
Black media to follow and support:
https://www.whereweconverge.com/
BIPOC-led (mostly) local organizations and causes to support:
https://blacklivesseattle.org/
https://africatownseattle.com/
Therapy for Black Women and Girls
Resources for protesters: https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/?fbclid=IwAR0Fff7Klp7khSrxX-JGufEzeAG6f61z2BVm_Cp4GguQMM6PB8zp5JVzTVE#protesters
Black naturalists, herbalists and gardeners:
Black Star Farmers
Black Plantfluencers and Gardeners
https://www.masterclass.com/classes/ron-finley-teaches-gardening
And, If you’ve made it this far, here is a video for inspiration. NW Tap Connection is an incredible dance studio and resource in South Seattle. Please donate money to them if you can. They, like all of us, are just trying to get through the pandemic.
“If you dare to struggle, you dare to win.” -Fred Hampton. Take Care.